1. PRACTICE THE BABY CRADLE
Take note: Expectant Daddy
It is imperative that you know how to carry your newborn child. You don’t suffer through the image of your kid popping out of your woman’s vagina and not celebrate the outcome. So here’s the important part: Unless your amazingly tiny, a newborn baby is about as long as the distance between your outstretched fingers and elbow. When you’re first handed the baby, hold out your arm and put her in the said area, with his/her head resting on the palm of your hand. It gets easier once the baby gets bigger; all you have to remember is to always support his/her neck and spine.
2. PREPARE TO BE ZOMBIE-FIED
Take note: Expectant Daddy
Babies are like call center agents, they like the graveyard shift. And you trying your best to stand up from a deep slumber and attend to them, unknowingly knocking away everything on the path to their crib is their night differential pay. Then once you’ve calmed your baby down and put him/her back to sleep, he/she will suddenly cry anew. Sadly, there’s no amount of training that could prepare you for it. Everyone goes through it.
3. YOU WILL GET POOPED/BARFED/PEED/SPIT ON
Take note: Fathers of Newborns
Oh yes, you will. And you won’t like it. Shouting at your kid and memorizing his/her pre-vomit/pee/poop face won’t make it stop. Nature dictated it—and, heck, they’re babies and they don’t know what they’re doing. So just be prepared. Keep tissues always at arm’s reach and don’t wipe anything with something you plan to still use (i.e. a bath towel, your shirt).
4. YOU WILL HAVE NO SEX
Take note: Fathers of Newborns
At this point, you’re already abstaining from sex (no matter what new age shit you’ve heard, it’s best to stay away from missus while she’s preggy—think of your unborn child being poked by your schlong). Prepare to be starved from it for a couple more months—depending on how fast the missus’ womanly parts (or stomach for C-sections) can heal. If she’s like Wolverine, then rejoice you lucky bastard.
5. YOU WILL GET SHOUTED AT
Take note: Newborn Daddy
Expect to get some nasty hollers from both your newborn baby and your partner. Your kid’s screaming may be brought about by the following: you’re not carrying him/her right; he/she just doesn’t like you carrying him/her; you forgot to buy her milk; he/she is feeling hot/cold/uncomfortable/itchy/irritated. Your girl will bawl at you mainly because you’re lazy and you don’t want to: stand-up in the middle of the night to attend to your crying baby; interrupt your TV watching to prepare your kid a bottle of milk; believe that it’s not yet safe to “sundan na natin si baby.”
6. PICK A SHOUT
Take note: Fathers of toddlers
Highly recommended for fathers unable to withhold their emotions once their newly walking baby trips over something, hits his/her head on a solid structure, falls, pees/barfs/poops on someone. For manlier variations try prolonging “Woohh” or “O, o , o , o , o”. Or generally just avoid shrieking.
7. IT’S EXPENSIVE
Take note: Fathers of toddlers
Hospital bills, milk formulas (regular babies finish 1kg [about P500] in two weeks; breastmilk is still best for babies but your girls’ breast are not pumps [poso] so you’ll have to substitute once in a while), clothes (the cuter, the more expensive), vaccines and toys: all of these you’ll have to pay for. Good luck.
8. DO NOT WATCH SHIT
Take note: Fathers of toddlers
You know what they say about the minds of children, it’s like a sponge. And watching SpongeBob won’t help it grow (it’s cute, yes, but it’s basically Jackass in animation). The point is don’t let them watch anything you don’t want them to immediately imitate: UFC, telenovelas, people shooting each other, porn—essentially the good shit.
9. BUT IT’S FUN
Take note: Wannabe Daddies
Regardless of everything we just said, fatherhood is a great feeling. For one, you have successfully produced a spawn, which disproves every man’s greatest fear: being baog. And even though this little baby will probably give you hell for the rest of your life (think kasutilan, failing school, early pregnancy, drug addiction, criminality) there’s nothing bad he/she could do that you can forgive. For the meantime, newborn dads, always remember how happy you get every time you see your little baby smile.
